|
As a junior officer aboard a man of war in Admiral Lord Howe's expeditionary fleet that sailed against the Rebellious American Colonies, Captain Plummer distinguished himself as a seafarer & leader of men, distinguished that is until he returned to the British Fleet Headquarters in New York harbour, where he now found himself a marked man, for in his absence he had been unjustly accused of the crime of treason against King & Country, the accusations relating to some earlier matter & having nothing to do with how he had conducted himself under the leadership of Lord Howe.
Captain Plummer had no means of defence, the only person who could stand as a witness & prove his actions were just, was a one legged half blind Portugee Captain, who went by the name of Malcolm limping Bastard Magellan who was last seen in a house of ill repute in the port of Peterhead, Where he was revelling in the company of a 20 stone flatulent ginger haired, lesbian, whore, by the name of either way Chub, a Lady of some doubtful moral character, limping bastard Magellan's whereabouts were at this juncture in time unknown
Captain Plummer now faced a terrible choice, life as a fugitive on the run from the Kings men, or Banishment & a long slow lingering death aboard one of his Majesties. Prison Hulks, His only chance was to escape aboard the captured American Schooner Faith, now under the command of self styled social climber & egotist Captain Teddy Nom Ski Nom & his Arrogant self opinionated, dim witted son, Dummy Nom Ski Nom. Aboard was a rag tag crew of pox ridden Portugee prisoners, they had heard of Captain Plummer's heroic exploits & begged to be given a chance to prove them selves to our hero,
There was a problem, that of the untrustworthy, Captain of the Schooner & his slime ball son , also the Mate, Mad Muller Birch had to be considered , he was something of an unknown quantity, although it had been rumoured, that he could be bought for a hogs head of best Port, plus a years paid subscriptions to the Fleet Magazines, "Bosons Cosh" & "Cabin Boys in Bondage,"
Captain Plummer's fears were soon put asunder As Schooner Captain Teddy Nom Ski Nom was in the throws of writing a novel about his adventures on the high seas, this new exploit would add to it admirably, his son intimated he would be willing to go along with the escapade, as long as his father gave mention to him in his novel & also promised to pay his whore house bills in Peterhead, ( This his father consented to, but would later live to regret )
With the mate now in his cabin in a drunken stupor, the crew cast off setting a course north, ( The course should have been East) What a time to learn that the Schooner Captain had never sailed a vessel before & couldn't navigate his way around a piss pot, he had in fact bought his Masters papers in the port of Scarborough from devious characters who go by the name of Dark Horse Paul Le Fish & his henchman Sardonic John Le Duvet, untrustworthy fellows With bizarre habits, of whom it is said, have an alliance with Satan., rumour has it that when the Moon is full the Devilish duo can been seen in a certain local leafy hollow cavorting naked around the remains of a dismembered Haddock.
The vessel sailed on now under the command of Captain Plummer & his trusty crew of Portugee prisoners, Using all their skill & seamanship they played a deadly game of cat & Mouse with the British Navy, Many of its fine vessels fell prey to the lightly armed schooner.
A week into their journey the crew spotted a Potugee Merchantman, they were in need of supplies, they hailed the vessel which to Captain Plummer's great surprise was Captained by his Potugee friend, the one & only Malcolm Limping Bastard Magellan, who on hearing the plight of Cpt Plummer did the only thing a true friend could do, that was to accompany him to England, where upon his arrival he gave evidence to their lordships at the Admiralty,
Captain Plummer was cleared of all charges of Treason, & for his gallant actions under Lord Howe he received a Knight hood . As for his Potugee prisoner crew, they were given their freedom , the schooner & its cargo.
Mad Muller Birch when last heard of was on a world Port quaffing & whore houses tour. of Teddy Nom Ski Nom & his son Dummy Nom Ski Nom, it is rumoured they were last seen in a Peterhead Tavern, arguing over which of them would be first in line for the services of a certain 20 stone Ginger haired, flatulent, lesbian Whore.
The novel that Captain Teddy Nom ski Nom was working on, was in later years Published Showing himself as the central character. & Hero. There of course is no mention of our Gallant Captain Plummer & his crew of brave Portugee miss fits, Surprise ! Surprise !
Gill Netter
|
|
