The smoke slowly cleared and I looked up to the quayside to see two figures peering down at me. The taller of the two was a clean tidily dressed man by the name of Mr Dirk Cranium who gave off an aura of affluence combined with hesitancy, indeed it was he who had previously uttered those immortal words "OH DEAR"

His companion, Mr Cloud Blunt, was a small skinny guy with dark features. Clenched between his nicotine stained  teeth was a pipe so large that its weight arched his back as his slight frame fought for balance, obviously this was the source of the pollution noticed earlier. His build and his habit were obviously how he had become to be known as "Little Cloud"
.
He had on a battered cheese cutter with a LIFEBOAT badge on it!, a Guernsey and his trousers were stained down the front with salt (I think) and he sported a straggly  beard from which hung the remnants of his breakfast. My heart skipped a beat, he had all the hallmarks of a seaman and more importantly, he had lust and longing in his eyes for me. He was in love and I knew he would take me away from this awful place to begin a new life together.

"Oh dear" said Dirk yet again, " it doesn't look good does it Lil Cloud?"

Lil Cloud just smiled and blew a cloud of smoke into Dirks face. Wow, I thought, a smoke screen what a way to get out of trouble, just like naval ships do to get out of a tight corner without being spotted, this little guy is good!

Then Lil Cloud spoke, "Dirk you just don't understand, but luckily I am here to advise you. I just happen to be an expert on lifeboats, in fact I have published a best selling book about them called "How do I do it!" It will be no problem getting this boat back into pristine condition".

I was impressed at Lil Clouds confidence, and so was Dirk, "Ok I will leave that up to you then" he said "but do you think it will be a profitable venture?"

Lil Cloud spoke again "Dirk, haven't you heard of my reputation as a business man? I have run several business ventures in the past. I have been a publican, in fact I took over one of the busiest pubs in town."

"Oh yes" said Dirk "But didn't you leave after a couple of years because of lack of trade?" 

"Well yes that's right" replied Lil Cloud, hastily rubbing a refill for his pipe, "but I had already decided to be a driving instructor by then."

"I see" said Dirk "but wasn't that a failure too."

"Well yes that's right," replied Lil Cloud, frantically ramming the baccy into his pipe, " but I was ready to move on anyway. I don't let the grass grow under my feet you know, and that's why I set up a landscape gardening business."

"I see" said Dirk " but didn't that fail as well?"

"Well yes that's right" replied Lil Cloud, furiously slapping his pockets in search of matches to light his pipe, " but not before I discovered worms!"

I was puzzled and could see that Dirk was too, "Worms" he asked "what worms?"

"When I was gardening" said Lil Cloud "I discovered lots of worms in the soil and so I set up a worm breeding business. I bred millions of worms to sell to anglers"

"Brilliant idea" said Dirk "sounds like you made lots of money"

"Well not really" said Lil Cloud sucking on his pipe for all he was worth, "it was a cold winter and what worms the frost didn't, kill the birds ate"

"I see" said Dirk "so let me guess, yet another failure?"

Fortunately, before he had to answer, Lil Cloud had his pipe in full head of smoke puffing and blowing for all he was worth as he laid down another huge smoke screen.
I lost sight of both of them under a thick smelly cloud of smoke, with only the sound of Dirk coughing and spluttering to give any indication of his presence.
Wow I thought to myself what a guy Lil Cloud is. What a subterfuge to use an ordinary pipe to cover his tracks, I'm sure we will all go far together!

                                                                                                Billy Inkwell Ashtray