Big Wessies face was a picture as he took over the helm and away we went into the thick of the             anchorage instead of giving them a clear berth, don't ask me why.
Lil Cloud was stood forward giving the orders such as "Left hand down a bit, go faster, slow down", it was like a scene from the Navy Lark.

Big Wessy was really enjoying himself, spinning the wheel from side to side and yanking on the morse handles and giving lots of "aye aye coxswains" until eventually the inevitable happened.

They were so intent on looking ahead and weaving in and out of the traffic in the main channel, that they had placed themselves right in the way of a container ship.

"Come to port" shouts Lil Cloud, now that was a bit too technical for Big Wessy, he tried to                remember one of the seamens rhymes on the rule of the road that he had heard of. "Always pass the port to the left" was all he could come up with.

"Look behind you!" yells Lil Cloud, (something like they do in the Christmas pantomimes), as he came running aft to take the wheel off a shaking Big Wessy, whose face was red as a slapped arse as he muttered to himself, "Bloody amateurs!"

Fortunately and more by good luck than seamanship we got past the shipping, now all there was ahead of us was Burlington and a safe tie up, but it wasn't going to be as easy as that with these two.

"Mmmm GPS isn't working" says Lil Cloud reaching for his pipe, I knew by now that this was a bad sign and with darkness now on us was ready for his next remark, "I wonder where we are!"

It shouldn't have been a problem, my compass and clock are still ok, all we had to do was run our time and distance on our course. Flamington Head sticks out six miles into the sea with a light on it that can be seen from 19 miles away! Surely even these two couldn't miss that!

We were already a safe distance off the land, nevertheless Lil Cloud decided to run even further off, thus giving me no chance of using what little shelter there was from the low lying shore, until eventually we ended up among the gas rigs!

It was clear that these two clowns did not have a clue, and so I decided to take some action to get us back to where we should be heading. I shoved my head into a sea and slung as much of it as I could back over my shoulder to hit my antagonists and the reaction was as expected. "I think we're  too far aht." said Big Wessy.

Lil Cloud decided to look at the chart, leaving Big Wessy on the wheel again. I decided I was having none of that so I gave them another prolonged dousing.  I kept it up until they where both soaked to the skin, the chart was ruined, and they did the only thing left, head west! Fortunately the UK is 1000 miles long so even these two would have a job to miss a landfall.

After a while we picked up the land and approached Burlington so I eased off them a bit expecting we would go straight into the harbour. Lil Cloud was having none of that and, despite continually telling Big Wessy tales of "daring do" about his many years experience on Burlington lifeboat, he announced that we were not going in because IT WAS DARK! Was there a bogey man I wondered?

I gave up any hope for these two and just lay there and let them do as they liked with me until                daylight, but at least I had punished them both for their misdeeds.

It was a relief when they tied me up and buggered off and left me in peace to reflect on what I had let myself in for. ?

                                                                       
                                                                                              Billy Inkwell Ashtray